And so it goes...

still waiting for my hoverboard...

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

What is a bellini if not a champagne based smoothie?

I don't care but I like it.  Be it peach or raspberry (sp?) its good.

I am house and dog sitting currently which is another story for another time.. I'm on today to talk one thing, crappy, movie trailers.

So yeah, I am secure enough in my uber masculinity to admit that yes, I did brink a pitcher of bellini tonight.  Had a date, had left overs.  Also drank saki.  Mmmmm.

Back on track now.  I want to discuss the sorry, state of movie trailers and honestly movies in general coming down the pike this summer.

Being a bow tie carrying member of the popcorn brigade I have a unique... okay, not unique, but a responsibility to describe fact from crap at today's cinema.  We start with The Karate Kid.

For the record, there is only ONE Karate Kid and his name is Daniel-San!  First things first, the kid's not even practicing in Karate!!!  Many many times through the trailer Jackie Chan, a man I admire very much, says that Kung Fu is everywhere, that Kung Fu is life, that KUNG FU, not Karate, is the onus of finding one's way as an African American fish out of water.  The movie is about Kung Fu, call it the Kung Fu KId and I'll lay off... No??!  Okay fine... What is with the Jacket off scene?!  Really?  Do you need to pay homage to the original so much so that you need your own Wax Off double entendre?  Grow up writers of The Karate Kid!  and if the trailer is any indication it looks like they play "You're the Best Around" during the whole fly swatter/chop stick "That's nasty" scene.  WTF!  You are not the karate kid!  you will never be the Karate Kid.  Just stop.

Next up, the A*TEAM.

I cannot wait!  Blame it on my mancrush on Bradley Cooper, blame it on my need for my nostalgia to best the crap that was the G.I. JOE movie.  I have faith in the material and the trailer makes me happy.  The van alone made my hairs stand on end.  The casting is inspired.  The only gripe I have is with Face laughing maniacally as he shoots down the drones.  Face doesn't do maniacal.  He messes around, but never did he do full on manic.  Okay, second gripe, I lied.  The scene in the second trailer when B.A. says "I ain't steppin foot on no aircraft!"Face should not have immediately replied with "We need to finish the escape, Man Up!"  He should have said "Have this glass o' milk B.A., Don't be shocked when you wake up in Guatemala!"  Accuracy gentlemen... It's all I ask for.

Third and last for this drunken ramble is the Grown Ups.  Crap.  The trailers are nothing but masturbation for SNL circa '96.  Try something new gents.  But that isn't my main issue.  Have you seen the trailer with the rope swing? Of course you have, its all they show.  Then, in the latest trailer they show the speed boat, Kevin James waterskiing scene where the boat hilariously cant get KJ off the shore.  Kevin James aint fat, hes chunked sure, but the guy is an MMA fan, he wouldn't consciously blubber himself, he is controlled.  How is a dude so fat as too no sell the cigarette boat pulling him to the extent that the outboard dies going to swing on a rope without uprooting the tree? or at least bouldering through the tree he strikes with the implied mass of a literal ton of fun that cannot be pulled by a boat?!  It's physics people!!  It's lazy film making as well.

Next time we will discuss the Twilogy... a term that literally made my fingertips bleed while typing in.  There Is only ONE trilogy and its not vampires... Its The Karate Kid.

Full circle bitches...


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