Welcome to a new section of my lil' corner of the blogospere in which I, Joe Flaherty, pick apart insignificant worldly oddities with innane, asinine babble.
So, the economy is in the toilet, nobody has luxury money like they did before. Point in case, Hollywood Video is belly up and last weekend I spent a good thirty minutes picking clean the bones with my fellow jackals. I walked away with ten gently used blu-rays and a copy of Lego Rock Band for under $50 bones American, which I'm told will buy you half a gondola ride in Venice.
Video stores are sadly going away, which saddens me as my first gig was working at a video store. I was of the genereation of hidden "diamond in the rough" creative talent a la Taratino who were too cool for school and knew it. I was a movie snob and am a cautionary tale of untapped potential but that is another story for another time. Point is, it won't be long before the old Blockbuster video is no longer as well what with the advent of Gamefly, Netflix, and the Redbox kiosks.
I myself have dabbled in all three to various successes. Game fly blew, completely. horrible tun around time and no availability. Netflix was great. So great in fact that if you type bomb.com into your browser it will pull up Netflix. This WAS the case of course until the signed whatever deal to delay my new releases 28 days. The only thing that should arrive after 28 days are Zombies. So they lost my luxury dollar. Redbox I have just started to use.
***sidebar*** just peed on a cricket. That and science make my world go round.
I used to rest movies from the Playstation Network at iTunes for costs ranging between $3.99-$5.99, and even went ondemand via DirecTV as well for a similar price point. My mother of all people introduced me to the kiosk option. At one dollar a day per rental it is the much better option as both Playstation and iTunes give you a viewing for your money. But they downside of course as my mother summed it up is that thios kiosk took at least three jobs away, The grunts at the video store who stock, ring you up, then judge you after you leave. Its a brutal cycle.
So after work I stop at a kiosk looking for a movie. Im not picky, any movie will do. I settle on Legion, the angel come down from heaven with tats and six pack abs to save the second coming from bad guy demon angels. I wish I could say that I rented it for the top flight casting of Roc, but I can't.
The movie is just getting to the "good" part but I paused it to conduct this masterpiece of wordsmanship which oughta speak volumes of said good parts of this particular movie.
Dennis Quaid is in this movie, and is the most famous. Follwing is the aforementioned Roc, The kid from Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift: Electric Boogaloo, The hot slutty chick from Friday Night Lights, and Tyrese as the token gangster.
The movie sucks, Hot chick from FNL was also in Supernatural on the seedub, which makes me sad that Im not watching Supernatural right now instead as that progrum deals with the ethereal so much better.
On to my point. Dennis Quaid is in this crap. The same year Dennis Quaid was in G. I. Joe. Dennis Quaid had kids, twins I believe that were knocking on death's door due to an inadvertant poisoning in the neonatal ward when they were given a certain type of blood thinner of which I don't have the name for. The kids were way bad off and I remember reading about the family's ordeal and pulling for the kids, Fineas and Pherb, I believe were their names.
So heres, Dennis Quaid, star of Jaws 3-D, and the lesser Doc Holliday and how does he work through the threat of his kids melting from the inside? By filming both this travesty and G.I. Joe. Shameful Dennis Quaid, Shameful.
Now, all one of you reading this, don't go correcting me on the fact that his kids were free and clear and healthy by the time he filmed these, It honestly does not matter. Crap is crap. I could write a better Michael the archangel ploy with a pilot G2 wedged between my buttcheeks, in fact I have. After a vigorous icing of the ample junk my lord gave me I will post my first draft. For the record the outline took roughly twenty minutes, five minutes of which consisted of teaching the pucker the muscle memory required to click a pilot G2.
Until then, Shame on you Dennis Quaid. You shoulda' stayed in the hospital taking care of business and not assaulting my spongy gray matter.
Stay tuned tomorrow for a special forth of July edition of a new segment called, look what I spnt money on, in which I deconstruct George Lucas' whoredom...
Signing off with a soon to be trademark signoff,
En todo momento, haz lo que el amor te pide.
God bless, just not the God depicted in Legion
~Joe
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Saki it to me... Or... How hot can an iPhone get in the Arizona sun?
Thursday night and I am celebrating.
Celebrating what? you ask, Oh nothing in particular, just loving life.
In the back of my mind grapes, tickling my cortexes, corti? is the fact that the last night I worked, regardless of how loud my dogs were barking, which is quite loud as I'm pretty sure at least two toes on my left foot are broke. but I witnessed something that to this day pleases me to an extent that I refuse to acknowledge pain.
I worked the door shift which means that After we close at the theatre I stick around to clear everyone out of their respective movies. Its a suck shift but in between what we call "exit greets" see also "have a great night, thanks for coming." I will listen to podcasts via iPhone. The only real issuew I have is that I get done at 1:20 in the AM and then I must exit the building to go home. I am quite rape-able so I always feel weird upon exiting but thats unrelated. I want to mention that when exit greeting The Karate Kid someone said, "Wow, didn't think they could re-boot 3 Ninjas."
Tis pleased me to the point that my corti rolodexed to 3 Ninjas and I thought to myself Rocky Loves Emily. I was pleased. Made the night worth it, even managed to erase the fact that the Karate Kid defeated his foe with a reverse Guile which was sooooo ridiculous that I spelled so with an extra four os. Not epic at all, not something that his generation can duplicate. It really failed as far as iconic moves go.
The most iconic thing about that movie was Jackie "GOD" Chan doing exploder.
Where was I,
Oh yes, so my phone just up and dies.
I rely on my phone for so much. weather, internet, the Jack Johnson music catalog. It really is my best friend, but best friends should not die on you just ask My Girl.
But my phone/lifeline did. I took it to apple store to sort out. They performed cpr r whatever to make it work. They ran diagnostics and i panicked a bit as i did have beer spilled on it a few times. Lo and behold the diagnostic check revealed that there were temperature warnings, plural.
The genius bar girl with the shining eyes told me my phone reached temperatures of 144 degrees. I said "oh wow, you know I did leave it out while I was playing with the dawgs the other day and got a warning.
Her response "well it happened twice each time for 16 minutes"
I was surprised that they could be so exact, but the silver lining is that i had some warranty left, six days in fact, and I got a new phone.
Also good news is the fact that the apple store is quite close to the booze store. One bottle of saki later and I share my story with you all in the world.
one sec, gotta put my chicken nuggets in the oven...
i cannot wait to eat them nuggets.
I seriously have nothing much left to add to the days observations and proceedings.
I just want to send shout outs to Mia as she is the sunshine of my life and I hope we get to hang out again soon to swim or play barbies or some such awesomeness.
My heart is sooooo full of love for that kid that I add an extra 4 o's .
I will be back. 16% alcohol by volume won't hold me down.
Nothing but love. L-O-V-E.
Celebrating what? you ask, Oh nothing in particular, just loving life.
In the back of my mind grapes, tickling my cortexes, corti? is the fact that the last night I worked, regardless of how loud my dogs were barking, which is quite loud as I'm pretty sure at least two toes on my left foot are broke. but I witnessed something that to this day pleases me to an extent that I refuse to acknowledge pain.
I worked the door shift which means that After we close at the theatre I stick around to clear everyone out of their respective movies. Its a suck shift but in between what we call "exit greets" see also "have a great night, thanks for coming." I will listen to podcasts via iPhone. The only real issuew I have is that I get done at 1:20 in the AM and then I must exit the building to go home. I am quite rape-able so I always feel weird upon exiting but thats unrelated. I want to mention that when exit greeting The Karate Kid someone said, "Wow, didn't think they could re-boot 3 Ninjas."
Tis pleased me to the point that my corti rolodexed to 3 Ninjas and I thought to myself Rocky Loves Emily. I was pleased. Made the night worth it, even managed to erase the fact that the Karate Kid defeated his foe with a reverse Guile which was sooooo ridiculous that I spelled so with an extra four os. Not epic at all, not something that his generation can duplicate. It really failed as far as iconic moves go.
The most iconic thing about that movie was Jackie "GOD" Chan doing exploder.
Where was I,
Oh yes, so my phone just up and dies.
I rely on my phone for so much. weather, internet, the Jack Johnson music catalog. It really is my best friend, but best friends should not die on you just ask My Girl.
But my phone/lifeline did. I took it to apple store to sort out. They performed cpr r whatever to make it work. They ran diagnostics and i panicked a bit as i did have beer spilled on it a few times. Lo and behold the diagnostic check revealed that there were temperature warnings, plural.
The genius bar girl with the shining eyes told me my phone reached temperatures of 144 degrees. I said "oh wow, you know I did leave it out while I was playing with the dawgs the other day and got a warning.
Her response "well it happened twice each time for 16 minutes"
I was surprised that they could be so exact, but the silver lining is that i had some warranty left, six days in fact, and I got a new phone.
Also good news is the fact that the apple store is quite close to the booze store. One bottle of saki later and I share my story with you all in the world.
one sec, gotta put my chicken nuggets in the oven...
i cannot wait to eat them nuggets.
I seriously have nothing much left to add to the days observations and proceedings.
I just want to send shout outs to Mia as she is the sunshine of my life and I hope we get to hang out again soon to swim or play barbies or some such awesomeness.
My heart is sooooo full of love for that kid that I add an extra 4 o's .
I will be back. 16% alcohol by volume won't hold me down.
Nothing but love. L-O-V-E.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
What is a bellini if not a champagne based smoothie?
I don't care but I like it. Be it peach or raspberry (sp?) its good.
I am house and dog sitting currently which is another story for another time.. I'm on today to talk one thing, crappy, movie trailers.
So yeah, I am secure enough in my uber masculinity to admit that yes, I did brink a pitcher of bellini tonight. Had a date, had left overs. Also drank saki. Mmmmm.
Back on track now. I want to discuss the sorry, state of movie trailers and honestly movies in general coming down the pike this summer.
Being a bow tie carrying member of the popcorn brigade I have a unique... okay, not unique, but a responsibility to describe fact from crap at today's cinema. We start with The Karate Kid.
For the record, there is only ONE Karate Kid and his name is Daniel-San! First things first, the kid's not even practicing in Karate!!! Many many times through the trailer Jackie Chan, a man I admire very much, says that Kung Fu is everywhere, that Kung Fu is life, that KUNG FU, not Karate, is the onus of finding one's way as an African American fish out of water. The movie is about Kung Fu, call it the Kung Fu KId and I'll lay off... No??! Okay fine... What is with the Jacket off scene?! Really? Do you need to pay homage to the original so much so that you need your own Wax Off double entendre? Grow up writers of The Karate Kid! and if the trailer is any indication it looks like they play "You're the Best Around" during the whole fly swatter/chop stick "That's nasty" scene. WTF! You are not the karate kid! you will never be the Karate Kid. Just stop.
Next up, the A*TEAM.
I cannot wait! Blame it on my mancrush on Bradley Cooper, blame it on my need for my nostalgia to best the crap that was the G.I. JOE movie. I have faith in the material and the trailer makes me happy. The van alone made my hairs stand on end. The casting is inspired. The only gripe I have is with Face laughing maniacally as he shoots down the drones. Face doesn't do maniacal. He messes around, but never did he do full on manic. Okay, second gripe, I lied. The scene in the second trailer when B.A. says "I ain't steppin foot on no aircraft!"Face should not have immediately replied with "We need to finish the escape, Man Up!" He should have said "Have this glass o' milk B.A., Don't be shocked when you wake up in Guatemala!" Accuracy gentlemen... It's all I ask for.
Third and last for this drunken ramble is the Grown Ups. Crap. The trailers are nothing but masturbation for SNL circa '96. Try something new gents. But that isn't my main issue. Have you seen the trailer with the rope swing? Of course you have, its all they show. Then, in the latest trailer they show the speed boat, Kevin James waterskiing scene where the boat hilariously cant get KJ off the shore. Kevin James aint fat, hes chunked sure, but the guy is an MMA fan, he wouldn't consciously blubber himself, he is controlled. How is a dude so fat as too no sell the cigarette boat pulling him to the extent that the outboard dies going to swing on a rope without uprooting the tree? or at least bouldering through the tree he strikes with the implied mass of a literal ton of fun that cannot be pulled by a boat?! It's physics people!! It's lazy film making as well.
Next time we will discuss the Twilogy... a term that literally made my fingertips bleed while typing in. There Is only ONE trilogy and its not vampires... Its The Karate Kid.
Full circle bitches...
~JOE
I am house and dog sitting currently which is another story for another time.. I'm on today to talk one thing, crappy, movie trailers.
So yeah, I am secure enough in my uber masculinity to admit that yes, I did brink a pitcher of bellini tonight. Had a date, had left overs. Also drank saki. Mmmmm.
Back on track now. I want to discuss the sorry, state of movie trailers and honestly movies in general coming down the pike this summer.
Being a bow tie carrying member of the popcorn brigade I have a unique... okay, not unique, but a responsibility to describe fact from crap at today's cinema. We start with The Karate Kid.
For the record, there is only ONE Karate Kid and his name is Daniel-San! First things first, the kid's not even practicing in Karate!!! Many many times through the trailer Jackie Chan, a man I admire very much, says that Kung Fu is everywhere, that Kung Fu is life, that KUNG FU, not Karate, is the onus of finding one's way as an African American fish out of water. The movie is about Kung Fu, call it the Kung Fu KId and I'll lay off... No??! Okay fine... What is with the Jacket off scene?! Really? Do you need to pay homage to the original so much so that you need your own Wax Off double entendre? Grow up writers of The Karate Kid! and if the trailer is any indication it looks like they play "You're the Best Around" during the whole fly swatter/chop stick "That's nasty" scene. WTF! You are not the karate kid! you will never be the Karate Kid. Just stop.
Next up, the A*TEAM.
I cannot wait! Blame it on my mancrush on Bradley Cooper, blame it on my need for my nostalgia to best the crap that was the G.I. JOE movie. I have faith in the material and the trailer makes me happy. The van alone made my hairs stand on end. The casting is inspired. The only gripe I have is with Face laughing maniacally as he shoots down the drones. Face doesn't do maniacal. He messes around, but never did he do full on manic. Okay, second gripe, I lied. The scene in the second trailer when B.A. says "I ain't steppin foot on no aircraft!"Face should not have immediately replied with "We need to finish the escape, Man Up!" He should have said "Have this glass o' milk B.A., Don't be shocked when you wake up in Guatemala!" Accuracy gentlemen... It's all I ask for.
Third and last for this drunken ramble is the Grown Ups. Crap. The trailers are nothing but masturbation for SNL circa '96. Try something new gents. But that isn't my main issue. Have you seen the trailer with the rope swing? Of course you have, its all they show. Then, in the latest trailer they show the speed boat, Kevin James waterskiing scene where the boat hilariously cant get KJ off the shore. Kevin James aint fat, hes chunked sure, but the guy is an MMA fan, he wouldn't consciously blubber himself, he is controlled. How is a dude so fat as too no sell the cigarette boat pulling him to the extent that the outboard dies going to swing on a rope without uprooting the tree? or at least bouldering through the tree he strikes with the implied mass of a literal ton of fun that cannot be pulled by a boat?! It's physics people!! It's lazy film making as well.
Next time we will discuss the Twilogy... a term that literally made my fingertips bleed while typing in. There Is only ONE trilogy and its not vampires... Its The Karate Kid.
Full circle bitches...
~JOE
Monday, May 10, 2010
I
It's mother's day, dia de los madres.
I worked tonight and missed the surf and turn dinner for my saint of a mother. That sucked. Work is...well its interesting... its a steady paychech sure but i cleaned a theatre and some ass clown decided to spit his chew remnants into a dots box.... a DOTS BOX, REALLY!? The box dissolves in my hand leaving it smelling like menthol and redneck. Bad start. I wonder why we provide the aholes anything, there should be a contract that yes we will sell you X, but you will take X out with you when you are done
Shit.
Im a glorified janitor some nights but hey, its a paycheck... Im in the dust bowl people. So i gotta tell myself "That'll do pig, That'll do.
I worked tonight and missed the surf and turn dinner for my saint of a mother. That sucked. Work is...well its interesting... its a steady paychech sure but i cleaned a theatre and some ass clown decided to spit his chew remnants into a dots box.... a DOTS BOX, REALLY!? The box dissolves in my hand leaving it smelling like menthol and redneck. Bad start. I wonder why we provide the aholes anything, there should be a contract that yes we will sell you X, but you will take X out with you when you are done
Shit.
Im a glorified janitor some nights but hey, its a paycheck... Im in the dust bowl people. So i gotta tell myself "That'll do pig, That'll do.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Blue Skies, nothin but blue skies over me
Book three: Return of the King.
A great man just told me, five minutes ago mind you, "You are better than this shit"
I believe him.
Let me drop some knowledge on ya'll about a little concept called Self Talk.
Basically its like The Secret - Oprah's influence. It's a matter of belief in one's self. Talking said belief and making shit come true!
It can best be explained by a great pedophile by the name of R. Kelly. R. sang a lil diddy for a cinematic masterpiece known as Space Jam. He sang:
I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.
Think about it every night and day, just spread my wings and fly away.
I believe I can soar. I keep on reaching for that open door.
I believe I can fly... etc.
We can all learn something from the kid pisser in that we should all be able to but out best foots Flahert.. I mean forward and fly off a this motha' f-er (i promised my actual Motha that I wouldn't drop F's
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Humpty, pronounced with an umpty.... scratch that.
I am Joseph Michael Motha' Fucking Flaherty. I am a writer! of a great many things! My destiny lies not at Harkins... Krom laughs at Harkins. I am handsome! My mother says so! I can have any woman I so choose on account of the awe inspiring handsomeness...
My destiny is not this. Though it was fun, Sad bastard Joe is dead.... He got stung by bees if you must know. Empowered swagger Joe has the helm now.
Pleased to meet ya'. Hope you guess my name!
~JOE M. MF'N FLAHERTY
A great man just told me, five minutes ago mind you, "You are better than this shit"
I believe him.
Let me drop some knowledge on ya'll about a little concept called Self Talk.
Basically its like The Secret - Oprah's influence. It's a matter of belief in one's self. Talking said belief and making shit come true!
It can best be explained by a great pedophile by the name of R. Kelly. R. sang a lil diddy for a cinematic masterpiece known as Space Jam. He sang:
I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.
Think about it every night and day, just spread my wings and fly away.
I believe I can soar. I keep on reaching for that open door.
I believe I can fly... etc.
We can all learn something from the kid pisser in that we should all be able to but out best foots Flahert.. I mean forward and fly off a this motha' f-er (i promised my actual Motha that I wouldn't drop F's
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Humpty, pronounced with an umpty.... scratch that.
I am Joseph Michael Motha' Fucking Flaherty. I am a writer! of a great many things! My destiny lies not at Harkins... Krom laughs at Harkins. I am handsome! My mother says so! I can have any woman I so choose on account of the awe inspiring handsomeness...
My destiny is not this. Though it was fun, Sad bastard Joe is dead.... He got stung by bees if you must know. Empowered swagger Joe has the helm now.
Pleased to meet ya'. Hope you guess my name!
~JOE M. MF'N FLAHERTY
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