Saki it to me... Or... How hot can an iPhone get in the Arizona sun?

Thursday night and I am celebrating.

Celebrating what? you ask, Oh nothing in particular, just loving life.

In the back of my mind grapes, tickling my cortexes, corti? is the fact that the last night I worked, regardless of how loud my dogs were barking, which is quite loud as I'm pretty sure at least two toes on my left foot are broke.  but I witnessed something that to this day pleases me to an extent that I refuse to acknowledge pain.

I worked the door shift which means that After we close at the theatre I stick around to clear everyone out of their respective movies.  Its a suck shift but in between what we call "exit greets" see also "have a great night, thanks for coming." I will listen to podcasts via iPhone.  The only real issuew I have is that I get done at 1:20 in the AM and then I must exit the building to go home.  I am quite rape-able so I always feel weird upon exiting but thats unrelated.  I want to mention that when exit greeting The Karate Kid someone said, "Wow, didn't think they could re-boot 3 Ninjas."

Tis pleased me to the point that my corti rolodexed to 3 Ninjas and I thought to myself Rocky Loves Emily.  I was pleased.  Made the night worth it,  even managed to erase the fact that the Karate Kid defeated his foe with a reverse Guile which was sooooo ridiculous that I spelled so with an extra four os.  Not epic at all, not something that his generation can duplicate.  It really failed as far as iconic moves go.

The most iconic thing about that movie was Jackie "GOD" Chan doing exploder.

Where was I,

Oh yes, so my phone just up and dies.

I rely on my phone for so much.  weather, internet, the Jack Johnson music catalog. It really is my best friend, but best friends should not die on you just ask My Girl.

But my phone/lifeline did.  I took  it to apple store to sort out.  They performed cpr r whatever to make it work.  They ran diagnostics and i panicked a bit as i did have beer spilled on it a few times.  Lo and behold the diagnostic check revealed that there were temperature warnings, plural.

The genius bar girl with the shining eyes told me my phone reached temperatures of 144 degrees.  I said "oh wow, you know I did leave it out while I was playing with the dawgs the other day and got a warning.

Her response "well it happened twice each time for 16 minutes"

I was surprised that they could be so exact, but the silver lining is that i had some warranty left, six days in fact, and I got a new phone.

Also good news is the fact that the apple store is quite close to the booze store.  One bottle of saki later and I share my story with you all in the world.

one sec, gotta put my chicken nuggets in the oven...


i cannot wait to eat them nuggets.

I seriously have nothing much left to add to the days observations and proceedings.

I just want to send shout outs to Mia as she is the sunshine of my life and I hope we get to hang out again soon to swim or play barbies or some such awesomeness.

My heart is sooooo full of love for that kid that I add an extra 4 o's .


I will be back.  16% alcohol by volume won't hold me down.


Nothing but love. L-O-V-E.

What is a bellini if not a champagne based smoothie?

I don't care but I like it.  Be it peach or raspberry (sp?) its good.

I am house and dog sitting currently which is another story for another time.. I'm on today to talk one thing, crappy, movie trailers.

So yeah, I am secure enough in my uber masculinity to admit that yes, I did brink a pitcher of bellini tonight.  Had a date, had left overs.  Also drank saki.  Mmmmm.

Back on track now.  I want to discuss the sorry, state of movie trailers and honestly movies in general coming down the pike this summer.

Being a bow tie carrying member of the popcorn brigade I have a unique... okay, not unique, but a responsibility to describe fact from crap at today's cinema.  We start with The Karate Kid.

For the record, there is only ONE Karate Kid and his name is Daniel-San!  First things first, the kid's not even practicing in Karate!!!  Many many times through the trailer Jackie Chan, a man I admire very much, says that Kung Fu is everywhere, that Kung Fu is life, that KUNG FU, not Karate, is the onus of finding one's way as an African American fish out of water.  The movie is about Kung Fu, call it the Kung Fu KId and I'll lay off... No??!  Okay fine... What is with the Jacket off scene?!  Really?  Do you need to pay homage to the original so much so that you need your own Wax Off double entendre?  Grow up writers of The Karate Kid!  and if the trailer is any indication it looks like they play "You're the Best Around" during the whole fly swatter/chop stick "That's nasty" scene.  WTF!  You are not the karate kid!  you will never be the Karate Kid.  Just stop.

Next up, the A*TEAM.

I cannot wait!  Blame it on my mancrush on Bradley Cooper, blame it on my need for my nostalgia to best the crap that was the G.I. JOE movie.  I have faith in the material and the trailer makes me happy.  The van alone made my hairs stand on end.  The casting is inspired.  The only gripe I have is with Face laughing maniacally as he shoots down the drones.  Face doesn't do maniacal.  He messes around, but never did he do full on manic.  Okay, second gripe, I lied.  The scene in the second trailer when B.A. says "I ain't steppin foot on no aircraft!"Face should not have immediately replied with "We need to finish the escape, Man Up!"  He should have said "Have this glass o' milk B.A., Don't be shocked when you wake up in Guatemala!"  Accuracy gentlemen... It's all I ask for.

Third and last for this drunken ramble is the Grown Ups.  Crap.  The trailers are nothing but masturbation for SNL circa '96.  Try something new gents.  But that isn't my main issue.  Have you seen the trailer with the rope swing? Of course you have, its all they show.  Then, in the latest trailer they show the speed boat, Kevin James waterskiing scene where the boat hilariously cant get KJ off the shore.  Kevin James aint fat, hes chunked sure, but the guy is an MMA fan, he wouldn't consciously blubber himself, he is controlled.  How is a dude so fat as too no sell the cigarette boat pulling him to the extent that the outboard dies going to swing on a rope without uprooting the tree? or at least bouldering through the tree he strikes with the implied mass of a literal ton of fun that cannot be pulled by a boat?!  It's physics people!!  It's lazy film making as well.

Next time we will discuss the Twilogy... a term that literally made my fingertips bleed while typing in.  There Is only ONE trilogy and its not vampires... Its The Karate Kid.


Full circle bitches...


~JOE

I

It's mother's day, dia de los madres.

I worked tonight and missed the surf and turn dinner for my saint of a mother.  That sucked.  Work is...well its interesting... its a steady paychech sure but i cleaned a theatre and some ass clown decided to spit his chew remnants into a dots box.... a DOTS BOX, REALLY!?  The box dissolves in my hand leaving it smelling like menthol and redneck.  Bad start.  I wonder why we provide the aholes anything,  there should be a contract that yes we will sell you X, but you will take X out with you when you are done

Shit.

Im a glorified janitor some nights but hey, its a paycheck... Im in the dust bowl people. So i gotta tell myself "That'll do pig, That'll do.


  

Blue Skies, nothin but blue skies over me

Book three:  Return of the King.

A great man just told me, five minutes ago mind you, "You are better than this shit"

I believe him.

Let me drop some knowledge on ya'll about a little concept called Self Talk.

Basically its like The Secret - Oprah's influence.  It's a matter of belief in one's self. Talking said belief and making shit come true!

It can best be explained by a great pedophile by the name of R. Kelly.  R. sang a lil diddy for a cinematic masterpiece known as Space Jam.  He sang:

I believe I can fly.  I believe I can touch the sky.
Think about it every night and day, just spread my wings and fly away.
I believe I can soar.  I keep on reaching for that open door.
I believe I can fly... etc.

We can all learn something from the kid pisser in that we should all be able to but out best foots Flahert.. I mean forward and fly off a this motha' f-er (i promised my actual Motha that I wouldn't drop F's


Allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Humpty, pronounced with an umpty.... scratch that.

I am Joseph Michael Motha' Fucking Flaherty.  I am a writer! of a great many things!  My destiny lies not at Harkins... Krom laughs at Harkins.  I am handsome!  My mother says so!  I can have any woman I so choose on account of the awe inspiring handsomeness...

My destiny is not this.  Though it was fun, Sad bastard Joe is dead.... He got stung by bees if you must know.  Empowered swagger Joe has the helm now.


Pleased to meet ya'. Hope you guess my name!


~JOE M. MF'N FLAHERTY